Christ Lutheran Church - Valencia, CA

Deserted?
Posted on: 02/20/2008

Deserted?

I've been in the desert for weeks now - many of you may not know it. You see me on Sundays all dressed up, teaching Sunday School, singing in church with a smile on my face. I'm not being fake - I enjoy being there because it helps me forget about my struggles. Pastor Joe spoke on the importance of living in the desert from time to time in a recent sermon. Being in that dry, lonely place isn't fun. In fact it can feel downright devastating! But it helps us rely on the One who can quench our thirst for something better, a new life, a renewed spirit and hope.

I'd be lying if I told you I'm out of the desert - I'm struggling with feelings on inadequacy, and I don't know how to get over it. I'm being brutally honest, and I'm hoping writing about it will get me out of this funk. I'm hoping it will help those who are struggling like me. And despite knowing how many will read this, I know that being real is all I can be. Being real brings about change.

So, what do I feel inadequate about? I'm a woman, a mother, and a wife... need I say more? Okay - I'll lay it all out. I feel bad that I don't love myself the way my husband does. The way the Lord does. It is a slap in the face to the God who made me 'perfectly' every time I get down on myself for not exercising, eating right, or the way my body looks in a bathing suit. I get down on myself because I knowhow I used to look, and now I don't. Who would have thought that having three kids would totally change my body for the worse? People told me so... I didn't believe it until now.

I feel guilty for not wanting to be around my family. There are times I fantasize about living alone. I'm tired of being mommy all the time. I'm tired of the kids fussing and fighting. I'm tired of the laundry and dishes and dirt! I'm tired of not having any time with my husband, talking about the things that really matter to us. I can't remember the last time we had a conversation that lasted more than five minutes, talking about our dreams and goals. Are we even on the same page any more?

I feel guilty about not being able to give up sweets for Lent. I did it for a week, and then I gave in by eating a mint from Olive Garden. It all went downhill from there.

There are other things of course...

So, what can I learn from this? I learn that I am human and just the way God made me. I can find hope in that alone. I will always struggle with the same issues, there's no doubting that. Somehow I get over it in time, and God picks me up again. So all I can do is roll with it, and deal with being in the desert for now. At least I'm not alone - - - He's there with me. I know Ill get through it - we all do.

Are you in the desert right now? Who will you go to for help? You are not alone - - I'm there too.

Prayer:
God, thank you for loving me even when I don't love myself. Right now things are hard and I don't know how to get out from under this dark cloud. Please help me to find hope in you, and to trust that you will get me out of this place I'm in. Help me to see the blessings, and not think about the things I cannot change. Help me to find ways to change the things I can. Thank you for being with me now when I need you most. Amen

Verse:
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7

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